Tony Blair has to deal with stroppy teenager Lauren, better known as comedy actress Catherine Tate, in this sketch recorded for Comic Relief.
Read the transcript for the film below:
(RULE BRITANNIA)
(BANGS ON KNOCKER)
Lauren Cooper:
I’m here for work experience.
Lady:
We were expecting you at nine.
Lauren Cooper:
Ryan had this party last night and he didn’t invite me, so I said, "What’s this about not inviting me?"
"You are invited". "I don’t care, cos I don’t wanna go," but I did go.
Lady:
Right. Would you like to follow me?
Lauren Cooper:
Who are these jokers?
Lady:
These are the portraits of every Prime Minister this country’s had.
Lauren Cooper:
Is he a Prime Minister?
Lady:
Yes.
Lauren Cooper:
Is he a Prime Minister?
Lady:
Yes.
Lauren Cooper:
Is he a Prime Minister?
Lady:
They’re all Prime Ministers.
Lauren Cooper:
See all these pictures, right?
See all these pictures?
Lady:
Yes?
Lauren Cooper:
And they’re all Rory Bremner.
Lady:
Lauren, come on.
Lauren Cooper:
Is he a Prime Minister?
Is he a Prime Minister?
Is he a Prime Minister?
Lady:
He’s on an important call, so you take this in and come straight out.
Lauren Cooper:
Is he a Prime Minister?
Prime Minister:
Just get on with it.
Yeah, sure.
We should be able to manage that.
Erm…
Lauren Cooper:
Excuse me.
Prime Minister:
I think it should be…
Lauren Cooper:
Excuse me.
Prime Minister:
Yes. Yes, OK.
Lauren Cooper:
Excuse me.
Prime Minister:
Hello?
Lauren Cooper:
All right?
Prime Minister:
I’m on the phone.
Lauren Cooper:
I brought you some biscuits.
Prime Minister:
Thanks. Anyway…
Lauren Cooper:
Rich Tea, is it?
Prime Minister:
Can I phone you back?
Lauren Cooper:
Was that someone famous?
Prime Minister:
Er, no.
Lauren Cooper:
Have you ever seen anyone famous?
Prime Minister:
Well…
Lauren Cooper:
Who’s the most famous person you’ve ever seen?
Prime Minister:
I really need to get on.
Lauren Cooper:
But you ain’t even told me.
Prime Minister:
I’m sorry, what’s your name?
Lauren Cooper:
Lauren.
Prime Minister:
Lauren, I’m a bit pushed for time.
Lauren Cooper:
Shall I tell you mine?
Prime Minister:
Sorry?
Lauren Cooper:
The most famous person I seen is?
Prime Minister:
OK.
Lauren Cooper:
This is mental, man. You won’t even believe it. I was out shopping with Lees, but she’d gone off with some chav.She thought I was jealous, but he had wheels on his shoes.
Prime Minister:
Lauren -
Lauren Cooper:
Running up and down Oxford Street. So I goes, "Lose him cos his heel will get stuck in the escalators".
He got a gift voucher from his auntie for his birthday.
She ain’t his auntie, she’s his dad’s girlfriend. We ain’t stupid!
So we go to the children’s section, cos they’re cheaper.
And his feet are really titchy.
He’s got little stumps for feet, like them Japanese women who wear bandages.
Prime Minister:
Lauren -
Lauren Cooper:
Ever been to CenterParks?
We went over at half term, but it was all right.
They’ve 200 different restaurants, one for every mood.
They’ve a pool, a bowling alley and a tattoo parlour under one roof.
Like Butlins, but you don’t get wet.
Prime Minister:
Lauren!
Lauren Cooper:
Yeah?
Prime Minister:
Am I bothered?
Lauren Cooper:
What?
Prime Minister:
Am I bothered, though?
Lauren Cooper:
What did you say?
Prime Minister:
But I ain’t bothered.
Lauren Cooper:
You can’t say that.
Prime Minister:
Look at my face.
Is my face bothered?
Lauren Cooper:
Wait a minute.
Prime Minister:
Does my face look bothered?
Lauren Cooper:
Are you messing with me?
Prime Minister:
Face, bothered? CenterParks, trainers, small feet, Ryan, Lees, I ain’t bothered!
Lauren Cooper:
You don’t know who the most famous person I seen is.
Prime Minister:
I don’t care, cos I ain’t bothered.
Out!
Lauren Cooper:
Rubbish, you are.
It was Ross Kemp!
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